I reflect on 2019 a lot. I’ve made decisions that affected me up to this point. I thought about what I wanted to pursue for my career and how I wanted to be with Marines.
The sequence of events in 2020 were not ideal and believe it was God saying to me “not yet”. The flurry of emotions raged and fueled my burning passion into a dull fire that flickered and provided no source of inspiration. I was meticulous in what I did to improve and cultivate inspiration. Writing down what was important and unspent emotions (mainly negative self talk). Reading saved me from the idea of being alone. I listened to instrumental music to think my own thoughts and not be influenced by lyrics. If I was feeling a lot of pain, the gym and running broke it down to the basics of doing one repetition and give me the damn endorphins.
Friends reminded me to laugh, enjoy life and express gratitude.
My brain knows something I don’t have a concrete answer for. It dreams throughout the night processing and wading through the emotions I possessed. Where did it all come from?
I kept dreaming, of holding her hand while carrying our child in a world that I didn’t want to raise them in. Preparing them to be the best versions that God needed them to be.
Through all the reflection, I have to say fuck the timeline I’m trying to meet. What was in front of me still mattered. Because God knew something I didn’t and that chapter of what I wanted to pursue, I wouldn’t have been ready. That realization hurts. I made poor choices and sacrifices that didn’t need to be sacrificed and that pain hasn’t dissolved.
When I get to where I want to be. I want to see the light that sat with me in the dark.
To those that prayed, I found my wallet on my desk. Someone found it but hasn’t identified themselves.
Inspired Knight 