Failure is the beginning of Bildungsroman
He is at war with himself and no one knows how to help him. He fought, cried, bled, sweat, soul searched in the depths of loneliness. Where is his confirmation? where was his story going and how does he set a setting when there is no story he is living. I should look within the beginnings of the downfall in my thinking.
I thought about how I got here in North Carolina which led from the decision of adopting.
But before that, what was my purpose? I was shooting for selection with the Marine Corps Special Operation to become a MARSOC Raider. I had a school seat in August 2020.
May 2020 I was in school for The Army’s Sapper Leader Course that was a kicker to help prepare me for assessment and selection.
At the beginning, I did really well and was a part of the first 60 soldiers out of 100 and me being the only Marine. The beginning, it was me with all my two seabags, mainpack, alice pack and day pack filled. I carried the two seabags in my hand, threw the dayback on top of the main and almost fell down the hill where the PT field was. The PT field was a regular track and had a rubber tire pit in the middle. I placed my bags far down as everyone was lined up on the track. I placed them down and noticed Alexander Levinski Dropped one of his seabags. I noticed and watched all the bystanders watch. I ran up and grabbed it while he continued to walk and gave it to him. We gave introductories while we waited and he mentioned in a relaxed manner that this wasn’t his first time. We conducted a Sapper Physical Fitness Test that consisted of push ups, knee to elbows, (situps?) and a three mile run. I maxed on all the events except the run maybe. I ran my fastest three mile time of 19:28, The hard work seemed to be paying off and I was ecstatic.
Since it was Covid we had a two week restriction of movement and PT on our own. One of the days I did a sprint workout with an officer named Rob. Rob was well mannered, confident, funny and had a certain swagger. He esteemed qualities I aspired to. During our workout something happened to my ankle but I shrugged it off. It was minimal pain and I applied Rest, Ice, Compression and elevation (RICE) from further injury. On the last days of restriction before I turned my phone in to the cadre (Instructors), I received messages from my loved ones, My friends giving me their heartfelt encouragement. I missed them dearly already and remembered the times we shared together. I was looking forward to them coming to watch me graduate. One of those days, I had an ex reach out to me and I wondered where my future would be. I suppose I can write about that in a later chapter.
Before training day one, we all got smoked by cadre (instructors) with calisthenics, buddy carries, and some nonsense neck rolls. I believe we probably ran 7-8 miles that day and we had two hours of minimal sleep. I hit the rack and immediately opened my eyes to soldiers beginning to get ready. What a rollercoaster of emotions that flooded within me.
The next day we had our qualifying event of the 12 mile ruck. We got up early before the sun even thought about rising. I was nervous because the farthest I went was eight miles and that was me being prepared. I was smoked beyond belief and tired from the days before. We prepared our packs and had to run to the start line. Nothing was given and everything was earned. Something I felt like I was beginning to learn even though at this time I almost served a full enlistment in the Marines.
I remember being with the other soldiers for only a short minute before being last out of the group. It was dark, by myself and I could hear the safety vehicle behind me ready for me to roll my ankle and give up. I strolled, fast walked and ran as best I could. It was discouraging to see how much of a weak rucker I was. Why couldn’t I keep up and why did I have to work twice as hard?
My ankle bothered me with every step but I was aware that there was pain in every step.
I could look up and see all the red headlamps that the soldiers were using to guide them on the designated path. I was nowhere near any of them and felt the dread of failure occupy my head.
I was by myself and at a loss of words that the first event I was going to fail and I only made it to the 8th mile before I had to drop my pack into the safety vehicle. I was disappointed and couldn’t bitch about it because that was my best. The thoughts rolled in and that my best wasn’t good enough. I remember hearing remarks about how it was unduly unfair. Even so, some people finished it and that was driving me crazy. They were prepared and I wasn’t. Regardless of the situations that surprised and flanked us.
I never tied ropes, conducted mountain, demolition or water operations or any of that sorts. It was all new to me. It was designed for combat engineers. Everything was completely known and I was at a disadvantage. The important part was the experience I had that will stick with me in my military career and life. It molded me and is the failure that helped me realize I have more work than I anticipated. During that time, I was aware that I am a slow learner, that I have to work hard to be able to retain any of the information that is being teached. Institutions do fire hose teaching and I’m still savoring the first drop that education gives.
I scored poorly on a lot of things and I didn’t feel competent enough to teach anything. Everyone taught me how to do it. I was a follower and lacked knowledge which did not help me be seen as a leader. Majority of my career I’ve sought out ways of becoming better. I realized early on to be a student and to respect those who were knowledgeable. I had to allow myself to be coachable and it is a humbling moment and realizing the quality of people that take the time to teach and take care of you.
There is a 5 mile, 6 mile and a 3 mile utility run (with rifle) that were qualifying. I was last in all of them. The only thing I could promise myself was to not stop running and keep a strong spirit when everyone was running back from the halfway mark. One of the Staff Sergeants that was light on his feet told me “You better not fucking stop Knight” and i replied aggressively “I won’t”. It sounds cheesy and simple, but during that time when everything is on the line to pass, it was a serious moment it could get in training for me.
The runs were disheartening for me, I was a good runner but my ankle and shins began to have constant pain and I didn’t know why. I could only have so many ibuprofen from the medic and have to deal with it until I was warmed up.
The thought came into my head that I should be in the front, that is where we lead and set the example. I was limited with the capability of my body and an injury I was stubborn about. Looking back, it was naive. I could have affected my health and career. I believe in my heart that God was showing me something that will be applied as a learning lesson in the future. I haven’t discovered what that is just yet. At the halfway I could see everyone coming back, some would give me encouragement and others gave me silence. The silence was deafening as I knew what thoughts crossed their minds as mine did with fully capable individuals. Pity. and they continued their run.
One morning we had to do zodiac (boat) pt and everyone talked about how it was the worst experience (indeed it is a memorable one).
We learned how to lift them and do the exercises such as overhead press and flutter kicks on our backs while holding the zodiac over our heads.
During PT you receive a chem light and if you don’t perform well they crack your chem light and get docked points for the event. During my time, and even being last on the runs I haven’t got my chem light broken until flutter kicks with the zodiac. I was flabbergasted and in disbelief because I believed I gave my best effort and an instructor thought I wasn’t doing good enough. They had to be fucking with me, but as an instructor I respect what they do and they’re decisions. Pushing obstacles physically and mentally is something I have to be prepared to do. I’m not going to meet everyone’s expectations, but I should strive for them if they are aligned with mine.
We carried the zodiacs for such a long unknown distance. The distance even passed the house I lived in and I contemplated how simple it was to leave and go home.
The weight in your shoulders is heavy and you can see the impact it has on those around you. If you weren’t carrying the zodiac, you carried other types of gear as a rest.
We stopped a couple of times to conduct exercises that allowed us to “catch our breath”.
One exercise is sprinting. There was a time that I will not forget where an instructor was more than a quarter of a mile away; we had to line up and sprint to him and back. You hear shuffling amongst one another and once they say go you hear boots on the ground clacking on concrete and the joints becoming cracked eggs. I kept a confident posture and paced my breathing and myself. Once I reached the instructor I turned up the heat and gained momentum. Passing people who already gave their best motivated me enough to keep going. I had enough adrenaline, endorphins and ibuprofen to suppress the pain in my legs.
We repeated that exercise 3-4 times and that will be a moment I’ll be proud of because I pushed forward regardless of the times or distance. My heart and character showed once more.
We picked up the zodiacs and I believe my group was last. We had a mix of shorter individuals with two taller ones. The taller ones seem to carry all the weight and if you don’t carry it others will have to pick it up for you. These are the times you share the weight to carry your team through. If you don’t share the weight you allow others to suffer. It takes integrity and lift regardless of the discomfort. The discomfort should lay with one’s ability to watch others in pain and not share it with them.
If we weren’t training we were having classes.
I had a difficult time staying awake in classes. With the demand of the course and lack of sleep, you fall asleep in your chair without realizing. Waking up in the middle of the period of instruction. I remember seeing soldiers asleep while standing. Eventually all of us would be asleep and we all get smoked outside.
It rained and we did buddy carries right outside our classroom. I actually enjoyed those moments when it rained. I saw it as a relief and one day my views may change because of the constant rain that will happen. I didn’t enjoy being wet, soggy boots and smelly while going back into the classroom. The discomfort didn’t bother me as much as my performance did. I was striving but was at my best and couldn’t break through. I found myself at a wall that couldn’t be broken within my own mind.
It was my competency that bothered me and I was struggling academically.
I won’t forget the quality of good leaders; they share the weight, resources and time with you. It became extremely valuable in those moments. A simple 5 minutes could be used for sleeping but they took time to teach me and show me knot tying. That medicine could be used for themselves but saw me in greater pain. We only have so much to eat but you shared your bread with me. Moments like that made me committed to a group of people I only knew for less than a month. Resources that i didn’t have or quick hacks that will allow me to save time and save mental and physical energy.
At that point, I knew I was going to get dropped especially after we had demolitions. I knew nothing and couldn’t compute the equations to save my life (which is definitely not good in this case). I was in a somber mood, but had to maintain a promise.
I remember Staff Sergeant Auston was a physically fit, smart and capable caliber soldier. Through our conversation he wasn’t a strong swimmer. It struck me because he attended Assessment and Selection for the Army and performed well. His weakness was my strength and it was a partner swim with us tied to a raft. I told him not to worry and that I would make that event. A promise I remembered on the runs we had.
The meal times were kinda crazy. Especially in the beginning. With 60 people to feed, we had a set time limit of five minutes to pull the trays off the truck and pass food to all 60 people. Not going in-depth with this one as I remember not making time and getting smoked check and this can make someone lose an appetite!
When I got to water operations we learned how to waterproof our rucks, called commands on the zodiacs and flipping it. I had a great time in the water and it alleviated my joints. At that time my legs were still in pain and it ached all day.
Before the swim we had to waterproof our rucks and I still was not adequate. Auston led us and made a great waterproof raft and we tied our ropes to the raft and picked it up to begin our swim.
We had a time limit which I don’t remember. Getting in the water and telling Auston, “all I need you to do is lay on your back and jellyfish if you want” we had our life jackets on with utilities and boots on. The weight of the boots dragged me down.
I did my favorite strokes of breast and side stroke all the way through. The cadre had jet skis and created “waves” for us that bitch slapped me too many times. I kept swimming as the scene of dory was in my head. “Just keep swimming”.
It was still a peaceful moment. I was a little anxious before getting in the water. But once I started, I’m confident in my abilities to not only survive but to do well in the water (so I think in future courses)
We came upon the halfway mark where a boat was sitting. We both had to touch a wooden board that said “sapper” before we could go back to shore.
I was drained when we came out of the water. So in fact, I struggled carrying our rucks above our heads. I stumbled trying to pick it up and the scene of Louis Zamperini carrying the post in the movie unbroken was a good reminder that I could lift it.
We made time and placed our rucks down and laughed through the struggle. I’m glad I was able to make that and be beneficial in a time I wasn’t benefiting anyone.
For the Land navigation portion, I was hoping for a refresher because I didn’t remember the fundamentals. Again, I had to rely on the others to catch me back to speed on something I was okay at. This event we had 3 in a group and is usually done in pairs. I don’t remember much of the morning. We drove out into an area in seven ton trucks and got dropped off in the early morning. We grabbed our red lamps and started plotting and our first marker took us 2 and half hours to get to. I remember once we found it through dense terrain and hills with our packs we sat down to plot the next coordinate and broke out our meal ready to eat (MREs). My legs were screaming and every step was exhausting. Which led me to drag down the other two. We got down to a dried riverbed and kept rolling my ankles. This led us to the decision for them to continue and for me to find my way back. Which in turn failed the other two. At the time it was unknown to us to leave someone behind. I knew where I was going but the idea of staying together was important. I was becoming more of a weight and watched it affect those around me. It pains me and I hoped to use it as motivation to be good at what I am doing.
Some of the period of instruction we learn about demolitions and some of classroom instruction is making. I don’t remember much besides setting up Det cord and running to a safe bunker and grabbing the detonator and pressing the button. BOOOOOM! Nice, loud and enough to feel the force in my heart.
At the end of phase I, they broke us up into three different formations which is called heartbreak formation. One group passed the qualifications to go into the next phase. Another had to recycle and wait for the next class. Another formation we’re getting dropped and headed back to their parent commands.
I remember looking around and knew that if you were with me, more than likely you weren’t going into the next phase. The First Sergeant came to our group and was candid, genuine and brief. He appreciated our time and sacrifice to do this and most people don’t attempt this course. He told us to come back and give it another go when we’re ready. This was my only opportunity and I failed at it. In my heart I didn’t represent the Marine Corps. I didn’t hold the standard like the predecessors before me.
The next morning we waited around until an administrator came out with typed orders and awaited us to sign. I was going back to the same job as him and it disheartened me with my future aspirations of becoming a Marine Raider. The clouds were heavy black and I knew it was going to rain. My favorite weather on a defining day for us. I grabbed my paperwork and thanked the people around me. I met some good dudes and was grateful to have the opportunity to kick it with them. I learned through observation and tried to apply what they taught me. In the end I didn’t want to fail them. I had to return the gear that I checked out. “One of the Staff Sergeants mentioned to me that I was one of the most committed individuals he meant. Most people quit at that point. For whatever reason you had something to prove and you did that. You weren’t scared of weight and wanted to be here. That showed. And you have a helluva heart” I appreciated his words and meant a great deal. I never want to lose heart nor my spirit.
I had to walk less than a mile back to my car. I did it with a limp and knew I had to go to the hospital to get it checked on. The hard rain made the walk memorable for me. Looking back, I thought of the quote by Heraclitus
“Out of every one hundred men, ten shouldn’t even be there, eighty are just targets, nine are the real fighters, and we are lucky to have them, for they make the battle. Ah, but the one, one is a warrior, and he will bring the others back.”
I was a part of the 80 and the 10. I strive to be a part of the nine fighters. I wanted to make an effective impact, follow well that will allow me to lead greatly.
These thoughts of failing flood my head. My school seat was in August 2020 and I was in June. Do I have enough time to recover and be able to perform well without nursing an injury? That morning, I walked into the clinic and immediately this lady was like “oh no baby, you need to sit down”. I told her I had some pain in my ankles and shin area and got x-rays. The results showed I had an array of stress fractures which isn’t too bad except that they seemed to be in a severe state.
During that time, my phone was off and turned into the instructors. My mom wasn’t doing too well and went into the hospital. I took emergency leave to Florida to spend time with my family.
I don’t know what it is, but my Madre was a fighter. Her small frame fights through chemo, radiation and four different cancers and tumors in her head. When mom was in the hospital with a suspected stroke, her time on earth was minimal. It took me two days to get home and she was at the house cooking and cleaning on the third. She was okay and I’m baffled by this scene till this day.
At one point, I was washing dishes and thought about Alexis, my little sister. Who is going to take care of her if Madre goes? Their relationship was sour and my mom couldn’t be a mom and deal with being sick. Alexis is in that stage of having her own thoughts and individuality. It didn’t seem to be going well for them. I couldn’t imagine my brother Darnell having a kid because of who he is. I had a conversation on what is going to happen with her? We discussed that ultimately she may have to go to foster care. It didn’t sit well with me and we kept thinking of options. I told my brother to let me think and see the options I have. I called my boss in Missouri and asked questions about being a dependent in the Marine Corps. What type of documentation would be needed and if I’m able to do it. I could be a legal guardian but this only led to more questions and problems.
The first was what about my career? She’s 15 and This is my only opportunity as an enlisted to attempt selection for MARSOC. This made me tear up. I go outside of the house and stand in the patio. The sun shined its rays and the humidity wasn’t pleasant. It caused me to be uncomfortable with myself. I thought about the late nights thinking about this decision to challenge myself and and be around the people I wanted to be with. Unconquerable, competent, character driven, and capable people.
I called the Staff Sergeant I’ve been preparing my package with. “Staff Sergeant, here’s the situation… I’m pulling my package.”
I remember the pause and he asked me “are you sure? I can give you a day to think it over”. “
“Yes, I’m positive, if I still want to do it, I can become an officer and submit my package years down the line”. A lot can happen to steer me away from that direction. We continued to talk and I thanked him for his time and work on my package. I apologize for wasting his time and know that it isn’t ideal. He understood and reminded that MARSOC prides itself on taking care of family. He told me to get my stuff settled and when the time is right I meet the prerequisites to submit my package again.
That phone call was hard and that was the origin of tears in my eyes. Because I felt a door had shut that I have been looking at for some time. I felt cornered in this decision with my legs in a broken state and the situation at home. This may be where I began to challenge God in my life.
The second was the logistics. Housing, furniture, and every little thing to make a home. I’m thankful for my savings and spending habits because I was prepared for this. It seemed that God had this planned all along and that being in Fort Leonard Wood was destiny of the larger picture which I cannot understand and see.
Alexis and I were opposite from each other and that doesn’t make a comfortable place to be. Especially if I work long days and Alexis is pulling her weight. I didn’t want more friction in my life, she doesn’t need it either.
Regardless
I called the attorney. I have a strong enough case to terminate both parental rights for Alexis and have legal custody of her.
I’m not sure if Madre was in the right state but I asked her if she was willing to give up her rights. It’s a weird feeling to ask to give up being a parent. I watched my mom fight hard for us. I used to clean houses with her just so she can be home sooner. And now I see her in the state she is in and she didn’t deserve one bit of it. This is another thing that makes me challenge God. To watch someone be kind and hard working only to striked down with sickness. I understand that it was my mom’s decision to smoke all this time. This is something that will think of my kids. I never wanted to be a burden to make my kids come back to help me in any way. My mom gave me space and never demanded that I be home. I wish I wanted to be home but it isn’t a place I wanted to be. It didn’t feel good to be in Florida. I didn’t feel like I was growing.
Alexis’ father hasn’t seen her in a couple of years and lives in the same city. It was an easy case and I talked with a family attorney My mom worked with previously. I began the process and had to wait now.
I stayed home for a couple of weeks but needed to go back to Missouri. My mom was healthy and my brother was still in the area.
During this time, handling failure and heavy decisions. It is important to have support. During my time at Sapper Leader Course I had Friends that were family, messaging me and sending me encouraging love to me. When I failed, I was happy at least that I would see my friends. Someone to go back too. They hugged and loved me. Even if I failed, they cared for me regardless. I had letters in my mailbox wishing me well and excited to see me. I came back from Florida and was laughing with them. It made me forget for a moment of the struggles I had endured and continued to embark.
I could write more about it. But I thought about that moment only because I’m sitting at a duty desk. I had to take someone’s duty because of unfortunate circumstances. They took the computer out of the office and I can’t do school work. I left my books because I was going to be busy doing school assignments.. Now I sit in a silent room for 24 hours and I question my purpose within my career. My road to becoming an officer.
I thought of an officer who passed away March 8th, 2020. Major Moises Navas passed away fighting Isis. His original job in the conventional Marine Corps caught my attention; He was administrative clerk before becoming an infantry Officer then a MARSOC Raider.
I thought after some time it would go away. After all this time. It still knocks and whispers to submit again when the time is right.
Inspired Knight 