Failure

I ran at full sprint with ammunition cans in my hands across the finishing cone. As I tried to stop and place down the ammo cans I slipped onto my back and quickly got up to see the Martial Arts Instructor Trainer to give me the time. “2 minutes and 29 seconds” he barked. I turned around and looked at the other students and I replied, “I’m going home”. Breathing with hands on my hips I did my best to be in good spirits and positive around others while they finished their event.

This is the second time of my career receiving drop paperwork for a school. I knew my score and what I needed to receive a first class Combat Fitness Test (CFT). I did well on the Physical Fitness test and had more anxiety on that test compared to the CFT. The lead Instructor was a Staff Sergeant who gave us a concluding brief after the event and gave us time to change over and back to the classroom. I received a 231 and needed a 235 in order to be retained on the course.

In the classroom, I sat at the desk when the lead Instructor came out of the office and began calling names. Staff Sergeant Hall and I came from the same battalion and we were in similar boats regarding our scores. He stood up and told me that he wasn’t going to wait till his name was called. He knew what score he received. He called my name and we were pulled into the conference room to be briefed on being dropped from the course. I looked around the room and looked at the World War II Carlson Raiders. I asked them out loud “what would you do if you were me?”.

The Marines had complaints and voiced their concerns about the grading of the ammunation can lifts which the majority of us lost a lot of points.

I respect the leaders of the course for their professional but business like mentality of dropping us. They will listen to the Marines but the decision was already made. We simply didn’t make the standard. I’ve been in the Marine Corps almost six years and have earned high first class PFT and CFT until I arrived at the Martial Arts Center of Excellence in Quantico Virginia. It was a hard gut check and I didn’t have anything to say if the decision was already made. No remediation but an explanation that the Instructor Trainers is qualified to count the repetition. The point is not about the argumentative view of the order and what happened. This is about bouncing back and clearing out all the clutter that came into my mind as soon as I realized I had missed the standard. The same standard I gatekeep aboard Camp Lejeune, North Carolina. The multiple times I stress to Marines of having strict dead hang pull ups, crunches and ammo can lifts. I have to eat my own words and head back to the unit that prided me as “Sergeant MCMAP” because I represented the program not only the battalion but multiple units on base. There was no counseling or mentorship. Dropped and notified that the next course was in August.

I have to remember that we have to meet the standard. That is the same thing Lewis Caralla talks about before chasing winning. Winning doesn’t care about what you have to sacrifice, the amount of hours you have to sleep, if you have eaten and it doesn’t care that you’ve done your best. You could have done all the right things and it still doesn’t give you anything back. That was the same thing with the standard. I’m in disbelief that it happened to me, and that while i haven’t received this score during my time in the Marine Corps, I will not ever receive this score in my career again.

I crossed my arms and leaned against a column while the Marines were discussing the events that happened for us. I kept thinking to myself if I even wanted to be here. I’ve plateaued and wasn’t sure if i can grow in the Marine Corps