Heart

I looked at my older brother who has been in the Marine Corps for 12 years and listened to his feedback.

“I’m always going to be transparent with you.”

Knight, you have a lot of heart and a never giving up attitude. At some point, it matters not only to survive but thrive. You’re weak in a lot of areas.”

I wish I could tell you I took it stoically. A strike to the heart with tears held back as I nodded my head.

Because I cared about my profession and career.

This criticism and feedback needed to be savored.

At that point in my life my soul was tired, tattered and lost. Like the boots that have been worn through all terrain and weather. I can get new boots but I had to learn to renew my soul.

I have to understand that I have to be disciplined regardless of emotions.

Regardless of grief.

Regardless of heaviness

Regardless of resistance and obstacles.

My soul is able to endure and flourish.

My soul provides the fire and I write the story.

He didn’t see my heart. He saw my Mom’s.

She sacrificed her dreams to invest in me, I didn’t aspire for her name. I aspired her heart.

I sat and watched her heart in the ICU at 150 bpms for 12 hours while her organs failed. Her swollen body was covered up and all I could see was your eyes closed and the tube in your mouth. I watched the blood in your urine and I engraved in my mind to never forget.

I dozed off in the hallway and awoke to a flatline and peered through the glass at 4:34am as the nurse addressed you. It took five different cancers and covid to close your eyes, while death came to visit while your body was exhausted to give you eternal rest.

Some days, I’m not sure how to write this story to make it mean something.

My whole career I watched your health decline and our relationship becoming distant.

I get to hear about their families and become silent about mine.

Regardless.

I looked into my brother’s eyes and told him I would perform.

Regardless of it all.

I choose to be kind, love, uncompromising integrity, and an unconquerable spirit.

That’s how she went and so will I.